Even If…

I have always been a glass-half-full kind of gal. I normally see the best in people and expect situations to turn out good before they turn out bad. And honestly, this could be a big reason why most of the time, I am a happy person.

And nothing is too big or small for this approach—for example, Boston parking. Every time I drive in the city, I expect good parking. And guess what? I get good parking. So much, that my friends say I have the parking anointing… lol. And then there is my husband. When he drives in the city, right from the start, he declares, “there will be no parking!” And guess what? We have a miserable time finding parking.

It has always been my nature to expect things to go smoothly, so of course, that’s how I approached my pregnancy as well.

But as you live a little, you realize sometimes, even after the positive declarations and optimistic mindset, and dare I say, even after prayer ;), things still happen, right?

I will never forget the first time I saw my baby girl through ultrasound. It made my pregnancy real. Early at that stage, despite the first-trimester symptoms, I would question if anything was even in my belly. But that day, I saw her with my very own eyes and man, she was active. So much, that the nurses had a difficult time capturing specific photos. She was jumping, twisting, and turning—I was in awe. How in the world, is this our child? But nonetheless, I was proud that she was ours. I couldn't stop smiling (and maybe crying).

My husband was waiting in the lobby, and I handed him the photos, as I proceeded to my next appointment. I made myself comfortable as I sat on the exam table, still beaming from what I just experienced. And then I hear my doctor say, “I found something abnormal in your ultrasound.” And to be honest, it took me a bit to process what was said—I had her repeat it a few more times.

She goes on and tells me that the baby’s nuchal translucency is bigger than normal.

Nuchal translucency (NT) is the normal fluid-filled subcutaneous space between the back of the fetal skin and the overlying skin.

In lamest terms, an increased NT is associated with genetic disorders such as down syndrome and heart defects. Of course, I automatically thought of my husband, because he had a leaking valve growing up, which caused him to have heart surgery later in life.

I left the office witnessing my husband face-timing with his mom, laughing and smiling, telling her how much she looks like him. I couldn’t dare damper the mood and tell him the news. Instead, I said, “let’s celebrate, let’s go to a nice restaurant.” I told him the details of the ultrasound during dinner. And in true Jeremy fashion, he responded, “let’s pray about it.”

That night, I slept later than usual. All I can think about was how the possibility of how this may affect her future and what people may think.

The following week consisted of me on phone calls with doctors and specialists, making appointments for testing, to see what we were truly dealing with. We also spoke about “options” on what I may want to do with the baby after knowing the results.

After my last phone call, I immediately started crying. And oddly enough, not because I was overwhelmed with the current circumstance. But I found myself overwhelmed by God’s presence. I thought to myself, this feels familiar—I felt like I been here before. I literally raised my hands and asked God, “already? 13 weeks in, and you are asking me to trust you?”

And it was at that moment when I realized there will never be a season where God is irrelevant. Whether I was lonely in my singleness, confused in my career choices, frustrated in my marriage, or nervous about my firstborn— God met me there.

My sister-in-law told me that when you have kids, that’s all you think about. And I’m not sure if I am ready for that, because thoughts can play with you—especially in the unknown. Since then, all of the baby’s testing and checkups have been normal. My approach also changed. Of course, I still expect and pray for a healthy normal pregnancy. But even if it doesn't go the way I expect, I will be good knowing that God knows and that He will be with us along the way.

-mal