he's not perfect
I asked God for three things in a husband: 1) He needed to believe in God. 2) He had to be a family man. 3) He couldn't be a Super Christian* (I made that term up).
(*Super Christian: A Christian who's been in the game for a while. Someone who has read the Bible 5 times, has a resume full of mission trips, and possibly went to theology school.)
I didn't know what I was talking about. When it came down to it, I just wanted a man that I could relate to, someone that I could genuinely grow with - especially as we got to know each other and God more.
"I want to grow old with you." …Sounds super romantic right? In actuality, I'm realizing that most of the time, the process of growth isn't romantic at all.
From my experience, growth involved the following: letting go of toxic relationships, facing failure, stepping out of my comfort zone, practicing patience, and my favorite: submitting.
You can't get where God wants you to be without growth. The process is tough, but when you get to the other side, you always come out a better version of yourself.
That's why I love being married. There is so much room for growth. Marriage allows me to see myself in ways that I couldn't or chose not to see before. I am forced to face it. Just like the Bible, my husband at times acts as a mirror. It sucks, but when I embrace it, it’s oh so good.
I am super hard on myself. I magnify my weaknesses to a point where that is all I see sometimes. No wonder I get insecure and anxious- my focus is misplaced. When you focus on yourself and your shortcomings, it cripples you. For example, God told me to blog FOUR YEARS ago. What took me so long? The idea of perfection kept me from doing so. I didn’t grow up writing, I tolerated English in school, and I was uncomfortable putting myself out there. In other words, I never thought I had the authority to write. And to be honest, the idea of perfection kept me from other pursuits in my life.
It’s not fun being insecure. Especially when you're in a relationship. I’ve pushed my insecurities onto Jeremy which has caused unhealthy fights. A million things can be going right and then when one inevitable “mistake” occurs and that's all I can think about. There was even a time where I was pinpointing every single thing that I thought Jeremy was doing wrong.
And then he said to me with grace,
“I’m not perfect.”
I was taken aback. I knew that. But for some reason at that moment it hit me hard, because:
- It was honest.
- It was true.
There is something so freeing about being honest with your weaknesses; it relieves the pressure of the perception of being perfect.
“You don’t have to worry about your weakness,” my God said to me.
You want to know why?
2 Corinthians 12:9 English Standard Version (ESV) says:
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
My husband and I came a long way. We are not who we were when we first dated 7 years ago. We have grown so much. We went through some things and learned some things (stay tuned for future blog posts). Everything we are, and everything that we have is all because of Him. Just think, if God was able to bring us here in spite of our past insecurities, who is to say that he won’t do the same now and in the future?
Jeremy is not perfect and I’m not either. And it’s totally OK, because we worship a God that is. When we repent and give our insecurities and weaknesses to Him, He always turns them into something glorious.
2 Corinthians 3:18 English Standard Version (ESV)
“And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.”